


Watching

by leanermina



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: FBI agent Juuse, M/M, Sort Of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-20 14:20:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13719510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leanermina/pseuds/leanermina
Summary: Working for the FBI isn't all it's made out to be. Juuse had half-expected the flashy TV dramas, the stylish suits and secret weapons. Instead, he gets a desk, a computer, and a set of headphones. Something else he didn't expect was running into the man he's spent the past few months watching.





	Watching

Juuse sighed, the wheels of his chair squealing as he shuffled in his seat. Work was tiring, especially on a Thursday evening. Not boring, though. Boring was the last word he would use to describe his job.

Working for the FBI was not what most people imagined it was. Back home in Finland, all of the American movies which featured the FBI showed secret agents dashing about in black riot gear, speaking on walkie talkies and shooting criminals; or, in the older ones, suave agents in suits smoking cigars.

Not quite sitting at a computer desk for close to nine hours a day in a darkened cubicle, headphones on, watching people going about their daily business.  
Of course, he didn’t watch everyone, all the time. He had a list of internet users whose laptops he could access, and he could flit between them, as long as he was checking all of their files regularly. Usually he was given anywhere between ten and thirty people to watch.

Half the time it wasn’t even ‘watching’, not really. It was monitoring the sites that they visited, checking out videos and images they uploaded or downloaded, and flagging anything suspicious so that it could be investigated by a more specialised department. Juuse, thankfully, had not yet had to do that in his two months spent working there.  
Most of the users he was tasked with were Finnish: He was one of only three Finns working in their department, and therefore he often saw the same names each day, perhaps a few swapped out here and there. That was probably how he had gotten the job, just fresh out of college, having applied on a whim with little understanding of what the job would entail but desiring to stay in the country he had come to love. There weren’t so many Finns in the US as there were people of some other nationalities. That wasn’t to say they were lacking in Finns; there wasn’t some worldwide shortage of Finnish people. Only that those Finns applying to work for the FBI would be few and far between.

He was unsure whether it was due to the lack of Finnish speakers in their department or if it was some higher design that ensured he received the same names, same faces, more often than the others. He had spoken to others working in the department who rarely observed the same person twice in a week. Perhaps they thought it would be easier for him, the rookie, to observe any odd changes in the actions of his targets if he watched them regularly. Or it might be a test, to see whether he could spot it if there were any. Then again, maybe that was overthinking a career where they let him wear jeans and drink milkshakes at his desk and his boss only poked her head in a few times a day to ensure he hadn’t fallen asleep, and it was simply that the others observed more internet users because they had been here longer and knew what to look out for.

He scrolled through the list of files, and one highlighted in blue- the sign for an active user- caught his attention. One of his favorites to watch was online now: 0P35N0. Usually you worked out the names of those you were watching fairly quickly, thanks to the social media they accessed and messages they sent, but they were all referred to on the daily list and in official files by a code, usually a mix of numbers and letters.

0P35N0 didn’t have social media; or, if he did, Juuse had never seen him use it. He didn’t use his camera, either, keeping it taped over.

He had become a bit of an enigma, one which Juuse discussed eagerly with his co-worker, Petra. The other Finn working with them, Valtteri, was much older than the two of them and probably wouldn’t understand their fascination.

What made 0P35N0 fascinating wasn’t so much his lack of a name: there were others out there, Juuse had seen, who also were resistant to using social media and had no cameras. People who existed only as figures written on a list, no identity.

No, one part of what made 0P35N0 different was the infrequency with which he came online. He must have had a busy life, Juuse supposed. The complete opposite of Juuse. He was only there sometimes in the morning, or evening, but never both. When he did come online, however, he would watch a movie; sometimes a comedy, sometimes a romance, sometimes action. Juuse generally enjoyed them; he obviously had good taste. He wished he could ask 0P35N0 what he had thought of them. He was almost certain it was a man, due to some of the videos he had watched. After a month or so he had found himself being able to guess the sex of somebody by their history with about an 80% success rate. Primarily thanks to porn, if not Google searches about their various body parts.

Another interesting thing about 0P35N0 was that he was also quite possibly rich, from the number of things Juuse had seen him purchasing or looking at purchasing, as well as into sports. Of course, a lot of his browsing could have been simple wish fulfilment. Yet Juuse had not seen 0P35N0 check his bank account at all, and he had found, in the time he had been doing this job, that the more someone checked their bank account the less money they were likely to have. He and Petra had built up various fantasies in their head of how the man would look. In reality, Juuse supposed, he could walk past the man every day and he wouldn’t realize. After so many days staring at faces you noticed the similarities more than the differences. 0P35N0 probably wouldn’t look any different than the others.

He wasn’t sure how long he was going to stay with this job. While it was certainly interesting, there was a lot of pressure that came with it. He wasn’t allowed to tell people what he really did. He knew sitting in the dark all day was not good for him, especially not for someone who was used to spending most of his time outside, playing pesäpallo and soccer. And, even more than those, the thought that he watched people for a living, without their knowledge, was beginning to take its toll on his mental state. Sometimes he dreamed of them or caught himself imagining talking to them. Other times he wondered what he would do if he met one of them in real life. Which, as it went without saying, expressly against the rules. So no, he was sure he wouldn’t be staying there much longer. Even if the pay was pretty good for a recent graduate.

Still, he hoped that the little mystery of who 0P35N0 was would be solved before he had the chance to hand in his resignation.

 

*

 

‘Hey, Juuse’, Petra called to him one morning, voice soft. She was slinging her handbag over her shoulder, preparing to head off as he arrived; she often worked overnight or early morning.

‘Hey’, Juuse slid into his chair, only swivelling to face her when he realized she was hanging about instead of leaving for home as usual. Seeing the grin on her face, he asked;

‘ _What?_ ’

‘ _Check it out, that guy has got a new laptop._ ’

There was no need to ask which guy she meant. ‘Oh?’

‘ _Yeah_.’ She leaned forwards. ‘ _And he hasn’t covered the camera_.’

She giggled as she walked away, watching Juuse over one shoulder while he logged onto the system.

 

*

 

He sat at a desk not unlike Juuse’s own, only with better lighting. Behind him was a fairly large but plain white bedroom. He was blond and handsome, and his eyes sparkled when he found something interesting, that much Juuse could make out. Likely in his 30s.

Pushing away the uneasy feeling that always came when he watched someone, Juuse decided he was going to like observing 0P35N0.

 

*

  
Juuse smiled softly as he watched a movie with 0P35N0.

Or, rather, as he watched 0P35N0 watching a movie.

It was late evening; the office was darker and quieter than usual. It was what his boss called ‘ice cream time’, because it was around the time that McDonalds shut down their ice cream machine to clean it, apparently. Juuse took her word for it.

The screen in front of him was set up almost like he was in a face-time call, but instead of his own face in the smaller square there was 0P35N0’s face, and the larger part of the screen reflected what was playing on 0P35N0’s laptop. The elder man was watching a comedy, alone, headphones in. When he smiled his teeth were blindingly white.

Juuse again attempted to work out his background. He was in a different room now than the bedroom from before. It was darker wherever he was; no indication as to where. Just a blank space. He thought he could maybe make out the corner of a picture hanging on the wall when the blond shifted the screen slightly and tried to find a way to enlarge the smaller square, to no avail.

Giving up, he rested his head on his arms once again and tuned back into the movie. One of the women on screen was holding her long-lost daughter and crying.

‘ _So sad_ ’, 0P35N0 whispered to himself. His voice was much deeper than Juuse had anticipated.

Juuse nodded in agreement.

 

*

 

‘ _How was work?_ ’ Miikka asked from the couch once Juuse got home.

Juuse paused in the doorway, halfway out of his jacket. ‘ _Same as usual. I’m thinking of quitting_.’

‘ _You say that every day_ ’, his friend teased lightly.

‘ _Yeah, well._ ’ He headed upstairs. _‘Are we getting pizza tonight?’_

_‘It’s pizza night, so yeah.’_

_‘Great. Be down in a minute.’_

He quickly changed into an old T-shirt and sweatpants before racing back down to join Miikka on the couch. Miikka hit play on the show they were watching on Netflix, still paused in the exact same place. That was the best thing about Miikka; he never watched ahead, unlike other people Juuse knew. The two were similar, too, in terms of the levels of dirt they were willing to tolerate in the house before cleaning, and Miikka was also fairly active and into sports, although they had been given little opportunity to play due to their heavy work schedules.

‘ _Besides_ ’, Miikka yawned and tossed their usual pizza menu to Juuse as the show began to play on, ‘ _you’re heading down to Nashville next week, remember. You get a bit of a break_.’

‘ _Yeah_.’ He turned his attention to the menu, despite already knowing what he was planning to order. He had actually almost forgotten that trip. Nashville. He was only going to visit an old friend from college. He wasn’t even sure what there was to do in Nashville.

 

*

 

The next Sunday night, Juuse was racing to make the bus for the airport in Nashville so he would be in time for his flight back to Milwaukee, when he ran square into 0P35N0.  
And, of course, the man had been carrying coffee, which was now soaking down Juuse’s front. It smelled acrid, rather than the sweet stuff that would be Juuse’s usual choice. He supposed he was just lucky it wasn’t scaldingly hot.

Of all the times and all the places.

_‘_ Oh, shit, I’m so sorry’, the man whose chest Juuse had collided with was saying, although it was Juuse’s fault, he had been the one staring at his phone as he rushed along, checking and double checking how long it would take him to walk to the bus station (twenty minutes) and how long before the bus left (fifteen minutes).

Juuse looked up, and his mouth dried. It was impossible to choke out the words he had wanted to say. Because it was 0P35N0. The guy he had been watching for the past three months. Juuse had known he was tall, but Juuse had never considered himself small and the guy had a clear head on him. Seeing more of him than just his head and shoulders was a little disconcerting. His chest was broad and arms long. Juuse tried not to stare.

‘Are you okay? Here, have a tissue’, the man was saying, pulling a pack of tissues from the pockets of his dress pants.

_‘No, I’m okay’_ , Juuse spoke, and then froze, realizing he had answered in Finnish automatically.

Luckily, 0P35N0 laughed. _‘Oh, you are Finnish, too?’_

Juuse took the tissue and cautiously dabbed at his shirt. There wasn’t much point trying to save it; soon he would be on the bus- hopefully- and then when he got home it could go straight into the washer. _‘Yes. I speak English, I just- I heard your accent and-'_

_‘You have a good ear. I’ve lived here a long time. But then I suppose it will never completely disappear.’_ He was still smiling, curious now. It was a closed mouth-smile; Juuse hoped his lips would part so he could see how white those teeth were up close. The man continued; _‘Have you been here long? Are you on holiday?’_

Juuse smiled back. In his head, however, a constant mantra of _'I know what porn you like to watch, I know what porn you like to watch'_ was repeating on a loop. Not that he had ever watched- he would never. It was actually against the rules; if it came to light that he had, he would have been dismissed. Besides that, though, Juuse was already uncomfortable with the level of privacy he was invading. Watching someone doing that would be so, so incredibly wrong.

Realizing the man was still waiting, he answered honestly; _‘Only this weekend. Well, I live in Milwaukee. I went to college there; I’ve just graduated, and now I’m working there. But I came here this weekend to visit a friend. I’m on my way home now. I’m actually running a little late for the bus.’_

_‘The bus? Are you heading to the station? Just round there?’_ He indicated with one finger.

_‘Yeah.’_

_‘Well… I can give you a lift if you want? My car is parked just around the corner.’_

Juuse hesitated only for a second. If it was a stranger offering, he would have said no. But this man wasn’t a stranger. He knew he wasn’t a complete psychopath. Or, if he was, he hid it very well.

‘Okay.’ Juuse remembered his manners. ‘ _Yes, please, that would be great.’_

‘ _Great.’_ 0P35N0’s smile grew wider, and his teeth were as white as they appeared from behind the screen.

They quickly made their way round to the car. Juuse’s suspicions of the man’s wealth were almost definitely confirmed when he caught sight of the vehicle. It wasn’t insanely expensive; but still, a nice car. Better than anything Juuse would dare hope to be capable of affording in the next few years, even with his current job.  
Inside, 0P35N0 kept talking happily, asking if Juuse enjoyed his stay there- he had- and what he had done- not a lot, honestly, a weekend wasn’t much time.

_‘That’s very true.’_ 0P35N0 replied. He was facing the road, both hands on the wheel, and Juuse took it as an opportunity to watch him. He had only ever seen this face through the screen, small and a little blurred. He couldn’t get over how different it was up close; skin so soft, hints of stubble. _‘This is such a great city. You’ll have to come back again, sometime.’_

_‘I will, definitely.’_

It wasn’t long before they pulled around by the bus station.

Juuse grabbed his sports bag and reached for the door handle. _‘Thank you so much for this. You really didn’t have to.’_

_‘It was no problem. It was actually a pleasure, getting to speak Finnish with someone. It’s been a little while.’_ His smile had turned sad now, Juuse thought. _‘Which is your bus?’_

_‘It’ll be here in a minute. To Milwaukee.’_

‘Milwaukee.’ 0P35N0 was silent for a moment. _‘You know, in all my years here I’ve never visited Wisconsin. I was actually planning a trip soon. Is there anywhere in particular you would recommend?’_

_‘I could show you, if you’d like.’_ Juuse’s heart was in his throat. He knew how bad this was, that he shouldn’t be offering this. He likely wouldn’t have said that with anyone else, not back home in Finland. Maybe 0P35N0 would think he was being overfriendly? The car ride could simply have been out of guilt.

But 0P35N0 merely grinned and reached for his phone. _‘That would be great. What’s your number?’_ He laughed. _‘Your name, too. I guess that would help. I’m Pekka.’_

Pekka.

Juuse told him, then got out the car and raced for the bus. When he made it to a seat and looked out the window, Pekka was in the same spot, watching. He waved one hand when he saw Juuse looking. Juuse responded likewise, and then Pekka was driving away.

 

*

 

Juuse couldn’t help himself. He kept watching Pekka at work. It made him feel ashamed, dirty, yet at the same time he was enraptured. He didn’t watch the man all day, every day, of course: he still had obligations, and a job to do, and 0W08A0, one of his few non-Finnish observees, was showing some signs of suspicious activity which he was carefully noting and debating whether it was worthy of a report. Besides, watching Pekka do virtually nothing at certain times was a little tedious. So he really only tuned in when Pekka was watching a movie or a TV show, or if he was looking up something a little odd. Sometimes he scrunched his nose up in confusion at the topics he searched, usually odd American slang or some technological term, which made Juuse laugh.

One day, about a week after he had returned from Nashville, Juuse had been drawn into watching Pekka’s screen once again when he saw Facebook in Pekka’s most recent history. He had been trying to find Pekka on social media, now that he had his name, but had come up short.

As soon as he pulled up the screen, however, he realized that Pekka was trying to find him. In the top corner there was a furrow between his brow. The image was still tiny and indistinct, but Juuse had gotten better at interpreting his expressions as he watched. Now, as Pekka found his account and double clicked over his name, Juuse suddenly felt the need to shut the screen down. It wasn’t that he thought the man would be judgemental or critical of the things he put online; he was sure Pekka wasn’t like that. He just didn’t want to see this part.

They had messaged numerous times via text. Juuse had texted to let Pekka know his number almost as soon as he got home, and in the days since they had begun a steady stream of conversation, Juuse telling Pekka about his college and his house with Miikka, Pekka talking about Nashville (he really loved that city) and his recent split from his long-term girlfriend. He avoided the topic of work, for which Juuse was glad.

‘ _I was a little lonely for the first few weeks’_ , he had confessed, late the night before. ‘ _I almost spontaneously bought a puppy. But I’m not at home much, so it wouldn’t be fair to leave it alone all day.’_

_‘To be fair, puppies are tempting even for those who aren’t lonely’_ , Juuse had replied, and smiled when Pekka sent back a dog emoji.

 

*

 

Juuse watched in excitement as Pekka bought tickets to come to Milwaukee and booked a room in a hotel for four nights, then made sure to channel that excitement into his texts when Pekka told him what he had done that evening.

 

*

 

A few weeks later, on a warm Friday evening, Pekka arrived at Juuse’s house for dinner.

‘Hey’, Miikka raised a hand as he entered. _‘You’re the famous Pekka.’_

Juuse made as if to strangle him from above and attempted to hide his reddening cheeks by keeping his head turned down. _‘Sit down. We were just going to order food.’_

_‘Order?_ ’ Pekka raised his eyebrows as he joined Miikka on the couch. _‘What, you’re going to invite me over and then not cook for me?’_ His tone was light, playful.

_‘Kitchen’s right there’_ , Juuse told him.

_‘We don’t cook much’_ , Miikka added.

Pekka shrugged. _‘I like to cook.’_

_‘Great’_ , said Miikka. _‘I’ll kick Juuse out, you can live here instead.’_

Pekka looked out of place, in his expensive jeans and jumper, sitting on their cracked leather couch. The small lounge was dimly lit and the staircase to the first floor ran along one wall, making it even more cramped.

Juuse flopped onto the bean bag he had dragged out of Miikka’s room earlier and pretended to be scanning the menu. Again, he pretty much knew it off by heart. He really was going to have to start being more active again if he wanted to stay in shape.

_‘So you moved to Nashville from Finland?’_ , Miikka was asking.

_‘Yeah.’_

_‘How come? That’s not the usual choice, is it?’_

Pekka shrugged. _‘Just work.’_

_‘What do you do?’_

_‘I actually work for a hockey team. Not playing, more behind the scenes stuff. Training, equipment, that sort of thing. It means I have to travel a lot.’_ And that made a lot of sense. Juuse hid his face behind the menu to avoid revealing anything by his expressions. Pekka continued; _‘What about you guys?’_

Miikka seemed impressed now, dragging one hand through his hair. _‘Wow. You’re living the dream, man. I wish I was. I work in a shop in town most days, and then I work as a waiter some evenings.’_

They were quiet for a moment.

_‘And you, Juuse?’_

At Pekka’s voice he started and looked up.

_‘I work for the government.’_

_‘Wow, really? Sounds interesting.’_ Pekka blinked, lacing his hands together and leaning forward on the couch.

He shrugged his shoulders slightly, attempting to downplay it. _‘Yeah, it is.’_

_‘Not secret agent, spy stuff?’_ He could see Pekka’s teeth peeking out through his lips and ducked his head behind the menu again.

_‘No, just administration, really. It’s sort of boring.’_

Thankfully Pekka dropped the subject, and then Miikka was demanding that he get a chance to see the menu. Once they had all ordered, the three of them shared tales about their decision to leave Finland for the US, and when they first came over and the differences they felt between the two countries. Pekka also talked about the differences he noticed from when he had first arrived and today.

_‘The advancement in technology, especially… You guys, I mean, I guess you’ve grown up with it. But even in games today, we’re using technology I never really thought about having playing pond hockey as a kid.’_

_‘Did you play, Pekka?’_ , Juuse asked. Miikka returned from the kitchen with the three beers he had darted back to retrieve and placed them on the table.

Pekka reached for one and took a sip before he answered. ‘A long time ago. I guess it just didn’t really work out. I still like getting on the ice when I get the chance, though.’ Even though his face and voice were neutral, Juuse got a distinct sense of sorrow from him.

_‘Did you guys ever play hockey?’_ , Pekka asked.

_‘Oh, yeah. All the time’_ , Miikka enthused.

Juuse added; _‘Miikka is really good. I’m okay. But I like every sport, pretty much; pesäpallo and soccer as well… For Miikka hockey is number one. I suppose it is for me, too, but I like the others more than he does, I think.’_

The food arrived shortly after they started their second round of beers. Miikka made them wait to open the food while he knelt besides his laptop, connected to the TV, trying to decide on a movie.

_‘Just choose already’_ , Miikka laughed. _‘What about this one?’_

He hovered the mouse over a title. Juuse realized it was one he had seen recently, and opened his mouth to say so, before he remembered where. At work, on Pekka’s screen. He should just lie. If he claimed to have watched every movie Pekka had seen recently surely he might suspect something. Or maybe Juuse was just paranoid.

Whatever the case was, Juuse said; _‘Looks interesting. What’s it about?’_

He waited for Pekka to say that he had seen it already.

Pekka leaned forwards, glancing at Juuse and Miikka, and said; _‘Yeah, it looks good. I think I read a review of it somewhere.’_

Juuse stared at him for a moment, confused. Pekka met his gaze and looked away, and it hit him. He was trying to be polite. He thought Juuse and Miikka wanted to watch it and so he wasn’t going to say anything.

Juuse snickered to himself as he moved to throw his empty beer into the trash. When he came back he flopped down besides Pekka. Miikka huffed at him yet took the beanbag with little fuss.

It was hard staying awake during the movie, which was good but a little too recent in his memory. Especially after a full stomach and a few more beers. He caught Pekka half-asleep too, eyelids drooping closed. When he saw Juuse looking, he smiled guiltily and stretched an arm behind his head.

Once the movie was over, Pekka called a taxi. Juuse promised to meet him the next day, to show him around town, while Miikka was at work.

_‘Sounds good._ ’ Pekka grinned at him for a moment, before ducking- Juuse had known their doorway was quite small but he had never seen anyone have to duck to avoid hitting their head before- through and out into the night.

Juuse returned to the couch. Miikka hadn’t moved from the beanbag. He looked at Juuse when Juuse sat down.

_‘What?’_ , he asked, bewildered.

There was no answer. Miikka just carried on looking at him.

Eventually, Juuse blushed and laughed. _‘Shut up.’_

He went to his room, chased all the way up the stairs by Miikka’s laughter.

 

*

 

Saturday passed by pleasantly. Juuse showed Pekka about town in the morning, wandering around the shops and the streets.

_‘Not as warm as Nashville’_ , Pekka had laughed when Juuse commented that he didn’t think the two cities were so different; American cities didn’t really seem as diverse to him, not when he was so used to comparing between countries.

In the afternoon they walked by the river. Juuse struggled not to show that he was a little tired; he had grown used to spending most of his days sitting in the deskchair, and even at home on the weekends he tended to stay in and relax. Pekka seemed to enjoy it, occasionally taking pictures with his phone and laughing.

_‘Sorry if it wasn’t the most exciting thing’_ , Juuse shrugged as they headed back into the heart of town for dinner. ‘ _I’m not very good at the tour guide thing. I just thought you could get a good look at the town on your first day here.’_

_‘It was great.’_ Pekka beamed at him. _‘I mean, I won’t be leaving Nashville any time soon, but I see why you like it here.’_

They continued in silence for a moment, and then Pekka added; _‘Actually, I sort of have plans for tomorrow, so you’re right, it was nice to see it today.’_ He paused. _‘Would you like to come with me? If you’re free?’_

_‘What kind of plans?’_ , Juuse wondered aloud.

_‘It’s a secret. Nothing bad, I promise.’_

_‘I’ll think about it.’_ Juuse knew he was likely to say yes, and from Pekka’s smile, he knew it, too. Still, it felt good to hold out a little.

They headed to the restaurant where Miikka was working, at Pekka’s insistence. It was a little expensive. He claimed not to mind.

_‘You guys got dinner last night. It’s the least I could do.’_

Throughout dinner Miikka kept making faces at Juuse, and Juuse blushed, thinking of the night before and what Miikka had been implying to him. Those implications shouldn’t exist. Granted, Pekka had given him a ride that first day and they had been messaging since then, but he was sure that Pekka was just a friendly guy. Much friendlier than the average Finn: that was alright, though, that was what a lot of people said about Juuse. Then there was the fact that Juuse had been watching him for the past few months, unbeknownst to him. Yeah, the very idea was so wrong.

And yet.

And yet, as Pekka paid the bill and put his large hand on Juuse’s back to guide him to the door, waving to Miikka with the other, Juuse thought back over how happy he had been since meeting Pekka, in a way he hadn’t really been since college, and he found himself hoping Miikka was right.

He was so screwed.

 

*

 

When Pekka had said it was a secret, Juuse hadn’t expected said secret to be hiking.

Although he supposed he really shouldn’t have been surprised; this was a man who he had watched spend hundreds of dollars on hiking boots, after all.

Pekka had rented a car for the day, and had only held out on telling Juuse where they were going for the first ten minutes of the three hour drive up to Niagara escarpment.

_‘But I’m not dressed for hiking’_ , Juuse protested, leaning back in his seat with his head tipped slightly to one side so he could discreetly watch Pekka drive. _‘You didn’t tell me we would be hiking.’_

_‘I told you to dress warm and wear sensible shoes.’_ Which, fair enough, he had, when he had messaged to tell Pekka he would come. He didn’t seem disturbed by Juuse’s pessimism, smiling languidly and humming along to the radio as they went along.

They eventually arrived at a gravelly car park, just before midday. Pekka lead the way. There were several other people, some alone, others in groups or pairs like them, passing them on the trek, but for the most part they were alone.

It wasn’t unpleasant, Juuse supposed. He struggled to hide that he was trying to catch his breath quite a few times- he really needed to start going to the gym again, from next week, he decided- and nearly fell once. Luckily, he had good reflexes, so he caught himself before he could go down, and Pekka was a few feet ahead and didn’t hear his stumbling. There was just a lot of green and dampness. There were moments when Pekka would prompt him to stop, and he would look around and see how beautiful the nature they were exploring really was. However, most of the time for Juuse was spent merely attempting to avoid the tree roots which threatened to bowl him over and trying not to brush too many wet leaves against his thin jacket.

_‘Shall we stop here for lunch?’_ , Pekka asked eventually, turning and smiling back at Juuse with his thumbs hooked in the straps of his rucksack. On the drive up they had stopped at a gas station and bought some sandwiches and chips, which Pekka had then graciously offered to carry.

_‘Sure.’_

It was a good a spot as any, he supposed; a small clearing, sheltered slightly from the wind by the encircling trees, with one side partially exposed to the blue sky. Juuse thought he could see a cliff edge up ahead.

While they were eating, Pekka asked a little more about Juuse’s college experiences, which he answered honestly. He told Pekka about the time in freshers’ week that he got blind drunk and vomited in his dormmate’s shower; about his interest in American baseball and his time spent playing it during college, and how strange it felt adapting to play it after so many years of Finnish baseball; about the late night conversations between him and Miikka and his other friends.

Suddenly realizing that he had been talking for a long time, Juuse cleared his throat, ducked his head slightly and asked; _‘So what’s it like? Working with a hockey team?’_

Pekka started a little, as though drawn out of a daydream. He took a final bite of his sandwich and shrugged. _‘It’s fun. The guys are pretty great. I wouldn’t say we have an particularly bad people on our team, so that’s fun, when we have a group like this.’_

_‘Do you ever wish you were out there still? Playing?’_

Pekka avoided the question, instead asking one of his own. _‘Did you know that they pay me quite a lot?’_

Juuse blinked at him, confused. He wasn’t sure where the conversation was heading, or why it was taking this turn. _‘I mean… You have a nice car. And nice things. I noticed that.’_

_‘Yeah.’_

There was another pause. Just when Juuse was about to ask what he meant, Pekka continued: _‘I actually got injured. I was starting to make a name for myself. I wasn’t the best of course, I was young, but- well- I could have been. Then I got hurt.’_ He lowered his voice slightly. _‘It wasn’t completely the trainer’s fault. I should have realized. One of my skates was damaged when I put it on, but it wasn’t until I got out on the ice… It was a ridiculous accident. I fell and landed awkwardly and damaged my shoulder. Not enough to seriously impact my life beyond the odd pains and not being able to reach sometimes, but it ended my career. I was a goaltender’_ , he clarified at Juuse’s questioning look.  
He sighed. _‘I was told I could take it to court but, I didn’t want to do that. They still offered me a lot of compensation money, since my career was essentially over, as well as a small job behind the bench. They’re a good team; they look out for their players. I asked if I could have the pay in instalments, over several years, and so I only just received the last of it, and I’ve had a couple of promotions since then.’_ He smiled. _‘Then there’s also that I don’t really spend much money. I usually eat at the rink, go on the plane with the guys and stay in hotels with them. Outside the rink I mainly hike, occasionally I go home to see family, but… most of my life is spent at the rink.’_

He paused, running one hand across his face and flashing a quick smile at Juuse, who had paused in eating a bag of chips to listen.

‘ _Actually, sometimes I think I should just live there’_ , Pekka laughed. _‘It can be a pain to drive to the rink from where I live right now.’_

_‘Is that why you want to move?’_ The question escaped Juuse’s lips before he could stop it. Shit. He shouldn’t know that. Pekka hadn’t told him that.

Pekka looked at him curiously, obviously startled. _‘Yeah. How did you know?’_

_‘I think you mentioned it, at one point.’_

Juuse carried on eating, trying to act casual. It worked; Pekka didn’t say anything else, and a couple of minutes later he suggested they continue their trek. A few times he thought

Pekka looked at him oddly, yet it was easy enough to dismiss that as his imagination.

 

*

 

It was dark when they got back. Juuse asked Pekka to drop him straight at home, but Pekka wanted to go into town for dinner first.

_‘If you go home, you’ll just get takeaway again’_ , he’d said, and, well, Juuse couldn’t exactly argue against that.

 

*

 

The first thing Juuse understood when he became aware the next morning was the overwhelming sensation of warmth. Warm pillow beneath his head; warm sheets underneath him; warm arms wrapped around his chest.

Blinking sleepily, he turned his head and found himself face to face with Pekka.

Ah. Now he remembered. The quiet, comfortable dinner. Pekka joking that Juuse couldn’t have wine because he was too young, and Juuse protesting that he was old enough. Pekka resting his hand on Juuse’s knee under the table, thumb moving slowly in circles. Pekka kissing him softly in the car, and how Juuse could barely sit still on the drive to the hotel. Ducking past the night staff there, a little embarrassed, he had never done this sort of thing, and then shedding the embarrassment as soon as they entered Pekka’s room. A warm mouth, warm hands-

_‘Good morning.’_

He started, realizing Pekka was awake too.

_‘Good morning’_ , he responded, and was rewarded with those sharp white teeth. Pekka’s eyes were half-closed and sleepy, and he hummed happily as he shifted a little closer to  
Juuse.

Juuse felt a warm flush spreading across his body as Pekka softly kissed him.

_‘Juuse?’_

_‘Yeah?’_

Pekka sighed. _‘I’m really happy right now.’_ His face was so earnest, his gaze so soft, Juuse struggled to find the words to respond.

His eyes flitted up past Pekka’s face and he suddenly saw the time.

_‘Shit.’_

_‘Juuse?’_

_‘I’m late. I have to go to work.’_

He threw back the covers, wincing at the sudden rush of cold air, and raced to the bathroom door.

Pekka offered to drive him to work, but he called a taxi instead, not wanting to drag the man out of bed.

Work had never passed by so slowly; he felt more bored there than ever before, as well as weirder about the job itself. The level of detail he knew about the people’s lives he had a window into was extraordinary. Only now the sort of voyeuristic pleasure he had initially had, when he first started watching Pekka, back when he was just faceless 0P35N0, had diminished. Before he had felt so attached to them, imagining meeting them in the street, including them in the conversations in his head. Things had changed. Since meeting Pekka, he felt even more distant from them than he would characters in a movie. He looked at their histories, saw their faces, but it was just blank, remote. As he put his headphones on, he resolved, for the thousandth time, to leave the FBI for good.

 

*

 

Luckily his boss didn’t ask him to stay late to make up time missed, so he was able to rush back and say goodbye to Pekka just before he left.

_‘It was really nice getting to spend time with you’_ , Pekka said as he hefted his bag onto his shoulders at the door. The taxi to the airport sat in the drive. ‘Thank you for showing me around.’

And suddenly Juuse was afraid. What if that was it? One weekend and then nothing?

He didn’t think he could face having to watch Pekka every day. Not if after this there was radio silence. He shook his head slightly. He shouldn’t be watching Pekka at all.

Pekka wiped the doubts from his mind however, putting one hand on his shoulder. _‘You should to come to Nashville again soon. You can stay with me, if you want.’_ He leaned forwards, pressed a kiss to the side of Juuse’s mouth, and then he was gone.

 

*

 

One of the big advantages of his job, he supposed, was that when he saw Pekka was looking tired after what seemed to be a long day at work, he could message him with stupid dad jokes and pictures of puppies.

The response came through quickly: Thanks. I needed that today.

And Juuse supposed that, for all its flaws, there were good things that could come from his work as well.

 

*

 

It was three weeks after Pekka left that Juuse boarded a long-distance bus down to Tennessee. He spent most of the night sleeping and attempting to avoid any strangers- it was a Greyhound bus, after all, which he had heard many stories about from his American friends- arriving on Saturday morning with the dawn.

Pekka was waiting when they pulled into the station. He greeted Juuse with a kiss, which was surprising but not unpleasant.

After a morning spent walking around the city and stopping at the shop to get food to make dinner later, they went back to Pekka’s house. Much like everything else about him, it was grand and refined, and left Juuse in awe.

They took a nap in the large master bed- much comfier than a cramped bus- before Pekka was nudging Juuse awake, asking him if he wanted to watch a movie before dinner. _‘I don’t often get a day off like this, so it would be nice to just relax with you.’_

_‘Of course.’_ Juuse blinked sleepily, one arm stretched out above his head. _‘Your choice.’_

His contentment only lasted a few moments, up until he saw Pekka shuffle to the other side of the bed, reach over and produce his laptop.

Feeling sick all of a sudden, Juuse jumped out of bed. He knew it was stupid to think that one of his colleagues would be watching and see them together. For all he knew someone was watching him already. But the thought of being watched through the same lens he had spent hours peering through was abhorrent to him.

Pekka was staring up at him from where he leaned on the duvet, eyebrows raised.

_‘I’m just going to take a shower first. The night on the bus, you know. Maybe we should watch the movie on the TV instead, then we can pause it if you want to do dinner.’_

_‘Okay’_ , Pekka closed his laptop. _‘And what do you mean, ‘you’? We’re meant to be cooking this together.’_

Juuse laughed and said, _‘We both know I make a terrible chef.’_

_‘True.’_

_‘You’re not meant to agree’_ , he squawked indignantly, stretching out one foot to kick at Pekka’s leg as he moved past to the stairs. Pekka leaned over him menacingly.

_‘Stop, you’re too tall.’_

_‘You’re just short.’_

_‘Go pick a movie. I’ll be down in two minutes.’_

_‘Or…’_ Pekka took a step closer and moved his hands to Juuse’s hips. _‘I could join you.’_

Juuse smiled. He supposed he could allow that. Where there were no cameras.

 

*

 

The evening went by too quickly. Juuse sat on the counter and watched as Pekka prepared dinner. They both drank a little too much wine- Pekka claimed it was a special occasion, so he didn’t mind being a bit hungover at the rink the next day- and fell asleep watching a Swedish reality TV show.

Sunday morning began at 5am. Pekka dropped Juuse at the bus station before he made his way to work. The streets were relatively quiet.

_‘I’ll miss you_ ’, Pekka said as Juuse left. Juuse replied in kind, but privately consoled himself with the knowledge that, at least for him, it would only be a matter of hours before he saw Pekka again.

 

*

 

Several more days of messaging back and forth later, Juuse was at work when he saw Pekka looking to buy plane tickets to Milwaukee. At lunch Petra asked him why he kept grinning, and he shrugged one shoulder and tugged his baseball cap lower over his face.

However, Pekka didn’t mention anything about the tickets. Not when he bought them, the next day. Not when Juuse mentioned maybe coming back to Nashville again soon, the day after that. Not even when Juuse asked when Pekka would be free again (next Wednesday to Friday, according to the dates on the tickets).

Juuse worried for a long while; that Pekka maybe had some other boyfriend in Milwaukee that he was secretly planning to visit. That evening, he figured out what a dumb idea that was, and that it was probably a surprise. It hit him as he was washing the dishes after lunch on Saturday, and it hit him harder than he had expected. So much so that when Miikka returned home he immediately asked what was up and offered to make dinner.

_‘Things are getting really serious with me and Pekka’_ , he said slowly.

Mikka frowned from the small stove, waving a pot of something that looked like rice in an effort to rid it of the line of foam on top of the water. ‘Isn’t that a good thing?’

_‘It is. But with my job and him living so far away, I just… I don’t think I can do this anymore.’_

_‘Do what? Him?’_ Juuse scowled and Miikka continued, pot safely back on the hob now. _‘Sorry. Do you want to break up with him?’_

_‘No!’_ , Juuse protested, then, softer, _‘No. I really like him.’_

He couldn’t go into detail, tell Miikka what it was exactly that was eating him up inside.

_‘You’re not abandoning me to move in with him, are you?’_

_‘Of course not.’_ Juuse knew that, even with both of his jobs, there was no way Miikka could afford this place by himself. _‘I just need to think. I guess work is getting me down more than I thought.’_

Miikka put a lid on the pot and reached into the fridge. Juuse thought the conversation was done, but a minute later Miikka stood in the centre of the kitchen with his hands on his hips and asked; _‘So if it’s really getting you down that much, why not quit?’_

 

*

 

Juuse quit.

Like the job itself, it was a much less dramatic affair than he had imagined it would be. Valtteri looked at him with a small smile and waved a hand in farewell as he walked out, but asides from that, nobody really said anything. He only regretted that Petra wasn’t working, so that he couldn’t say goodbye to her.

And this was good. He was doing the right thing. He was sure of it. And Pekka would see that when Juuse told him.

 

*

 

Miikka was out when Pekka arrived on Wednesday night. Juuse was glad. He wasn’t sure he could maintain the charade of surprise with an audience.

_‘Surprise’_ , Pekka laughed when Juuse opened the door.

In truth, Juuse had half-forgotten in the last few hours that he was waiting for Pekka to arrive, which was odd as he had done nothing the past week but anxiously wait for the day, wondering how to play it. Now he settled for a gasp, and rushed forwards to hug Pekka, hiding his face in the man’s shoulder.

_‘Pekka! What are you doing here?’_

_‘I had a day off. I thought I’d come see you. I fly back tomorrow night.’_

Juuse took Pekka’s bag as they made their way into the lounge.

_‘I can’t believe you’re here! Come sit down, Miikka’s at work. I was actually going to try cooking tonight. I bought ingredients and everything.’_

Pekka laughed, leaning against the doorway between the small hall and the lounge.

_‘If we’re alone here, we could do other things than cooking maybe.’_

Juuse stared at him. _‘But if we don’t cook we’ll have to get takeaway, and you always say I should cook more.’_

_‘That is true. Okay, I’ll give you a hand. We should make something for Miikka too, for when he comes home. He might be tired.’_

They prepared dinner and ate quickly, and then didn’t wait for Miikka to get back before going to bed.

The next morning Miikka himself woke them up, poking his head around the door.

_‘Pekka? What the fuck are you doing here?’_

_‘He came to visit’_ , Juuse yawned.

_‘Huh. Makes sense. I wondered why you cooked for me. Anyway, see you guys later, I just wanted to see if you were awake and say thank you for the food.’_

_‘Nice to see you, Miikka.’_ Pekka waved one arm as he vanished around the door frame. A moment later they heard the front door open and shut.

Pekka sighed and sat up, letting the covers fall down slightly. Juuse placed a hand on his bare chest, closed his eyes in contentment, only to open them a moment later when Pekka spoke.

_‘Juuse?’_

_‘Yes?’_

_‘It’s 7am.’_

_‘Yeah?’_

_‘Don’t you have work?’_

Juuse froze. This was it. He sat up, gathering the thin duvet in his lap and twisting his hands in it.

_‘No.’_

_‘Oh. I thought you only had weekends off.’_

_‘Pekka.’_

Pekka looked at him, mildly confused, and sat up.

_‘I have something to tell you.’_

_‘What? Is everything okay at work?’_

_‘Well… No.’_

Pekka continued to look at him expectantly, so he continued.

_‘I told you I worked for the government. I do. I did. But what I did exactly, it was, well…’_

Pekka’s eyes grew wide. _‘You didn’t…?’_

_‘No.’_ Juuse wasn’t sure what he was implying, but he was also pretty sure it wasn’t what he actually did. _‘I worked for the FBI. Not- it’s not like in the movies. I just sat at a desk.’_

_‘Okay’_ , Pekka said slowly. _‘You say worked. Did you quit? Were you fired?’_

_‘No! Yes, I quit. But I wasn’t fired. I couldn’t do it anymore.’_ He took a deep breath and it suddenly all came out in a rush. _‘I was watching people. Through their cameras, you know, on laptops mainly, sometimes on phones, but I didn’t use those often. Smaller image, often worse quality, right. It was just keeping tabs on what they were searching and sharing online, what they were doing, watching for any suspicious behaviour. I watched other Finns mostly. And- well, and I watched you, too. Before I met you.’_ At Pekka’s panicked expression, he added; _‘I couldn’t believe it when I ran into you! I never expected for any of this to happen. And I felt so guilty, not being able to tell you, and watching other people just like you, with their own lives. But it’s okay now! I quit! I mean, I still need a job, but I’m so relieved to leave that behind now.’_

He made an effort to smile.

Pekka’s face was bewildered, verging on horrified. The smile quickly faded.

_‘Are you being serious?’_

_‘Yes.’_ Juuse frowned. _‘I know it sounds crazy. I thought it was crazy that I met you, even. But it’s true.’_

There was a long moment of silence. Pekka glanced about, running one hand through his hair.

_‘Pekka?’_

_‘I can’t… Juuse, I’m so… I can’t believe you would do something so morally wrong. Watching people. Fuck.’_

Juuse frowned. His heart was beating hard in his chest, and he knotted the sheets beneath his fingers. _‘It was just a job, Pekka. I needed money.’_

_‘So you got money by spying on people? On me? Through my camera? For the American government?’_

His voice was harsh, and Juuse flinched. _‘Pekka, I’m sorry-’_

But Pekka was already on his feet, pulling his pants and shirt on swiftly. _‘I can’t believe it. How long were you watching me?’_

_‘A couple of months, maybe. Before I met you’_ , Juuse spoke quietly. Pekka stood with his back to the bed. Juuse wished he could see his face.

_‘A couple of months. Fuck. Juuse…’_ He turned around. His features were oddly smooth and blank. _‘I think I need to go.’_

_‘Go where?’_

_‘The airport. Home.’_

_‘But… Your flight isn’t until later! Pekka, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, please, just stay for lunch…’_

Only Pekka had grabbed his bag and was halfway down the stairs.

_‘Pekka, please, just listen to me-’_

The sound of the door opening and slamming.

Juuse collapsed back on the bed, buried his face under a pillow, and didn’t move for another hour.

 

*

 

Juuse sat around the house, not really sure what to do, until Miikka got home.

_‘Shit, Juuse’_ , he said, after Juuse told him everything. _‘Holy shit.’_

_‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, either.’_

_‘I mean… It’s pretty cool. I mean, as a job. But I get why it’s creepy. And I get why it freaked him out. If I started dating a girl and I found out she’d been watching me, I’d run.’_

_‘Miikka.’_

_‘Sorry. Do you want something to eat?’_

_‘No.’_

_‘Do you want to play football outside?’_

_‘Okay.’_

Playing football turned out to mean kicking the ball back and forth until the sun began to dip down in the sky, at which point they headed back inside and sat on the couch. A dating show was playing on TV. Miikka quickly changed the channel to an action movie, and they watched in silence. When Miikka pressed a half-full plate of noodles into his lap, Juuse ate.

After the movie ended, Miikka stood up. _‘I’m going to bed.’_ He looked at Juuse speculatively, and added; _‘I have the day off on Sunday. Maybe we can go out and do something then.’_

_‘Thanks.’_ Juuse got up and took the plate to the sink to wash up. _‘I’ll think about it.’_

Miikka was silent for a while, before Juuse heard him retreat up the stairs.

He sat back down, pulled his baseball cap down over his head, and shut his eyes.

He must have fallen asleep, because the next thing he knew it was 11pm, pitch black, the curtains were wide open onto the dingy street, and his phone was vibrating. He quickly answered, half-dazed.

_‘Hello?’_

_‘Hey.’_

Juuse froze.

_‘Pekka?’_

_‘Hey’_ , he repeated, and then coughed.

Juuse sat in silence for a long moment, unsure of what to say, listening to Pekka’s quiet breaths. Eventually, he said; _‘I’m sorry. Did you make it home okay?’_

_‘Yes, I did. And I’m sorry, too. For just leaving like I did, without listening to you.’_

_‘It’s okay. I should have thought before, I didn’t really think about how you would feel when I told you. Are you mad at me? For watching you?’_

_‘I’m mad at the government for watching me. I’m mad at you for not telling me the truth, Juuse.’_

_‘I’m sorry.’_ He swallowed. _‘I mean it, I’m so sorry. Pekka, I love you so much.’_

There was a long silence.

Then.

_‘I love you too.’_

Juuse let out a sigh of relief he hadn’t noticed he had been holding.

_‘Juuse?’_

_‘Yes?’_

_‘I love you, but I’m still mad at you.’_

_‘I know. I understand.’_

Pekka’s voice sounded more weary than anything else, though, and Juuse smiled a little. He still felt incredibly guilty, but he knew he was forgiven now.

_‘Pekka, I’m sorry. I won’t lie to you about anything like that ever again, I swear to you. I’m looking for another job.’_

_‘In Milwaukee?’_

_‘Of course. I want to stay here.’_

_‘Well… Since you don’t have a job right now, why don’t you come to Nashville?’_

Confused, Juuse asked slowly; _‘You want me to move in with you?’_ Just a few minutes ago he was half sure their relationship was over. The pendulum swinging in completely the opposite direction threw him off of any previous train of thought.

_‘No. Yes.’_ Pekka sighed. Juuse waited for him to continue. _‘Well, not move in exactly. I know you can’t just leave Miikka with the rent. And we’ve only known each other a little while, and things still might not work out. But I thought if you wanted you could come and, since you don’t have much money, I could just look out for you until you find another job. Here or there. Up to you.’_

Juuse swallowed. _‘Pekka… You don’t have to do that…’_

_‘I want to.’_

Juuse looked around at the living room, slowly moving to pull the curtains and switch on the light and surveying the small area as he did so. There was a pile of old shirts he was meant to have gotten round to washing. His laptop, rarely used these days. A small sign Miikka had bought reminding him to clean the worktops after he used them. Sure, Pekka’s house was nice, but would he be willing to give up the life he had here with Miikka for that?  
It took him less than a minute to decide.

 

*

 

Juuse only ended up going back to Milwaukee for roughly the equivalent of three weeks, spread out over five trips during the next four months, before he found a job in Nashville, coaching a kids’ baseball team. The pay and hours weren’t too great, and it was really only temporary, but it was a start, and Pekka had stayed true to his word of paying for just about everything Juuse asked for. He felt a little guilty sometimes, yet in truth he enjoyed it. The job was more to give him something interesting and rewarding to do with his time than an actual need for finance.

One morning, not long after he moved in, he woke up and saw Pekka sitting up in bed, laptop open, watching a game of hockey. The elder Finn smiled bashfully, caught out.  
Juuse got up and stepped out into the hallway.

_‘Where are you going?’_ , Pekka asked.

Juuse didn’t answer.

When he returned, he was holding a ball of tape and some scissors. He quickly covered the laptop camera with tape before getting back into bed and slinging an arm across Pekka’s stomach.

 

*

 

Pekka’s friends were nice. They were having dinner together at a quiet bar in town with several of the guys from Pekka’s team and Miikka, who had come to visit for the weekend.

‘Where did you find this one, Pekka?’, Roman laughed. His eyes danced with curiosity as he stared at Juuse. Normally Juuse might not have liked the scrutiny, but he understood that Roman’s words held no malice.

Pekka squeezed Juuse's hand. ‘More like he found me.’

‘Did you guys meet online or something?’, Filip asked, leaning forward in his seat to see around where the other Swedes were talking animatedly amongst themselves.

Juuse shrugged and smiled. ‘Something like that.’

**Author's Note:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed this! Please be gentle with me in regards to comments, this is my first fic, it hasn't really been edited, and I finished it on 2 hours of sleep with approximately 0 knowledge of the US or Finland.


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